Ch 8 : Final Words

Such is the greatness of this man; he has brought tonnes of fun and happiness to our world.

May God save you if you still didn’t understand what’s Prytesh. However, don’t go to end your life for this, probably you deserve to live, perhaps only to discover and learn Prytesh.

Ch 7 : On And Off The Field

Prytesh loves all kind of sports even when he doesn’t understand how most of them are played.

Prytesh once said, “The spirit of sportsmanship is greater than winning. Players should respect their opponents and play should be genuine”.

Prytesh believes that sport is the celebration of humanity. Sport allows humans to compete not on the basis of strength, height or speed but on the basis of courage, self-belief and determination.

Prytesh is against extensive commercialization of sports and trading of players between teams.
Now the major European leagues are taking Prytesh seriously.

Due to lack of time Prytesh doesn’t go to witness matches played in the town. However his good wishes are always with the players. He might personally phone players or send them good-luck cards before important matches.

Prytesh has even changed the behavior of spectators. Earlier we had the ‘Mexican Wave’ during football, tennis and rugby matches. Now we have the ‘Mustache Formation’ by spectators.

Many international players wear the lucky Prytesh lockets, to bring them good luck.
NBA had once put a ban on use of Prytesh lockets, because before that, players from all sides wore the lucky-lockets and consequently 35 consecutive matches ended in ties.

A similar situation had aroused in the English Football league.

Prytesh has made ladies tennis glamorous than ever before. Players wear skirts and tops with Prytesh messages printed on them. Now spectators remain busy during and between play.

Ch 6 : The Center Of Gravity

For centuries, scientist and geologists believed the Earth’s center of gravity was at its center. This was due to the symmetrical shape of Earth.
But today every man knows the center of Earth’s gravity is where Prytesh is.

Wherever he is people all over want to know how’s he, what’s he doing, what’s he wearing, what’s he eating, what’s he saying, what’s he feeling, what’s he going through and all those things.
He’s a celebrity but doesn’t need any security. Prytesh has hit every aspect of human life. Prytesh is the friend of every poor and lonely, Prytesh cares for the sad and diseased.
Prytesh stands for the protection of tribal communities, their languages and their cultures.

Prytesh doesn’t believe in racism, however he favours cows ahead of buffalos. Prytesh respects and protects natural resources. Prytesh stands for world peace. His slogan ‘make bombs, not war’ has achieved international acceptance, and is a part of foreign policies of many countries.

Prytesh gave a possible solution for the Kashmir conflict between India and Pakistan. He said, “Keep Kashmir and give them Bihar. Let Laloo take care of them”.

Wherever he is, there’s fun and happiness.

Several countries including the US, UK, Australia, Canada, Kenya, Tanzania and others have offered their respective citizenships to Prytesh, but he turned down all.

One of the Prime Ministers of Namibia (name hidden on request) came to power on the basis of his promise that he would allow his people to witness and experience Prytesh in their country. Obviously that didn’t happen and a civil war followed.

Even the US Presidential candidates include the ‘Prytesh factor’ in their campaign to mesmerize their voters. However Prytesh is not a political figure, he won’t make fake promises nor he gives long humorous speeches. He remains away from politicians.

After Prytesh ruled out the possibilities of him being a US citizen, America appealed to the United Nations to declare ‘Prytesh’ as an international possessions so all countries can have equal rights on Prytesh. This appeal met serious international protest as several countries saw this as America’s dark plan to possess Prytesh through the UN.
Prytesh fans and Prytists all over the world got together at Geneva to demonstrate against this American act during the UN security councils annual summit held there that year.

Prytesh is a national treasure. Security analysts fear that Islamic terrorists might abduct Prytesh to force India to give away Kashmir.

“We should not waste time, money, energy and our intelligence thinking about outer space, try to look into yourself and discover the mission of your life”, Prytesh advises.
This message has become world famous. You’ll easily find this and other famous Prytesh sayings on message-plates in schools, restaurants, hospitals, gardens, toilets and else where.

Some people will put his writings on t-shirts, caps, on cars, and even on the exterior of their houses.

Ch 5 : Prytesh For GDP

He’s the greatest economist after Dr. Amartha Sen.
He knows new ways to revive economy and make business, or should I say the industrialist and entrepreneurs have devised new trade models using Prytesh.
Prytesh is a trade icon, he’s an add icon, but hasn’t done modeling yet.

Several foreign companies the cola, computer and detergent giants have approached Prytesh, but he hasn’t bowed. Prytesh is helping India improve exports.

Last year Walt Disney got permission from Prytesh, and now they are making a 3-D animated movie on him. Universal Studios is begging for the rights to make a animated series called “Mucchad Man”. Kids, youngsters and oldies are desperately waiting for these. Even Subash Ghai’s ‘Mukta Arts International’ tried for a deal, but was cruelly turned down because they wanted to show him as a super hero without the symbolic mustache.

Infact pirating Prytesh pictures and autographs has grown into a new industry employing over 4,500,000 employees in India and an estimated 1,100,000 abroad. Prytesh creates employment.
Using Prytesh as brand promoter is legal only in India.

Prytesh has made selling new cosmetics, health products, cold drinks, packed foods, toys etc. a easy game. People believe in him and buy these products for the Prytesh picture or just his name on them.
For them a Prytesh picture is equivalent to a originality hologram.

A small Prytesh picture, often robbed from newspapers and mags, on any product pack can improve its annual sales by more then 300%.

Foreign sportsman are ready to spend a fortune to get their bats, helmets, center-pads, rackets, shoes, hockey-sticks, golf-clubs autographed by Prytesh.

Since 1983, Indian's annual economic growth rate hasn’t fallen below 5.2, thats because Prytesh’s height is 5’2’’. All 5’2’’ of him contributes.

Prytesh himself is a revenue generator. Each hair of his mustache worth a million rupees.
Prytesh lockets, keychains, stickers, tattoos, posters sell like hot cakes.

Historians and economist believe that the great depression of 1929,and the South-Asian depression of 1997-98 wouldn’t have occurred if Prytesh was born then and there.

Ch 4 : Prytist, Pryteshe and Pryteshism

Pryteshism is the new social behavior and manners introduced by Prytesh. It has become a new standard today. After socialism, communism, communalism and Gandhism Pryteshism is perhaps the most influential 'ism' in the country. Even after a hundred years from now future generations will say, “Thank God, Prytesh was here to teach us all this”.
In all yester years Indians were condemned for being under-civilized, dirty and ill mannered, first by the Britishers and then by rest of the world. And Prytesh was born to rehash this opinion.
Today no Indian has to be ashamed or embarrassed to be at formal functions and gatherings along with the whites.
On the contrary, white skins are coming to Prytesh to learn.

A man following Pryteshism is called ‘Prytist’ and his female counterpart is called ‘Pryteshe’.

In Pryteshism the respect a man deserves is directly proportional to the ratio of length of his mustache to his height. And the most respected women are the ones who have lesser hair on their head then in their boyfriend’s/husband’s mustache.

In Pryteshism drinking lassi, curds and fruit drinks is a cool thing. You will easily find a Prytist asking for a ‘garam doodh ’, ‘nimbu paani’, ‘naaryal paani’ or ‘kokam sharbat’ in restaurants, college canteens, discos, night cubs, or just anywhere.

Pryteshism believes in ‘a bidi a day keeps the insects away’. Prytesh says, “A smoke before bed is good. It keeps harmful insects, naughty women and mischievous children away from the mustache.”

In Pryteshism you don’t have different glasses for champagne, wine and for whiskey. Any glass would work, as long as you can grip it even after getting drunk. By default Pryteshism discourages inhaling of alcoholic beverages in public places like bars, pubs and at parties. No one has ever seen a Prytist drunk and fallen on roads, gutters or in fields nor anyone has seen him hitting his Pryteshe after a drink or two.

A Prytist is a pure non-vegetarian, only because it’s too difficult to be a veggie. Prytesh explains, “In one kg of vegetables you find 50 gms of insects. And in rice or wheat available on fair prize shops you have all sort of things like bird droppings, lizard eggs, ants and insects. So what do you mean by a pure-veggie?? ”, he questions.

A Prytist enjoys his time outside his home. For a Prytist dancing is fine, as long as he doesn’t step on his partners foot. Holding the partner within 1/8th of an inch is seriously condemnable. While dancing leather shoes are necessary.
If invited at a party, no matchstick lights in his house on the party day. A Prytist attends any party with his Pryteshe, and doesn’t return unless the custards and puddings are over. Saw!!! Prytist doesn’t believe in wasting food.
A Prytist never acts romantic in public places. He won’t share a common ice cream with his Pryteshe in ice-cream parlors or on the beach. He never takes advantage of the darkness in cinema halls. He never whistles at girls on roadside.

During his student days a Prytist will never tickle girls nor will he pull their hair, not even during picnics and out-of-state tours.

A Prytist or a Pryteshe will never use an umbrella during rains, they use full size raincoats because in Pryteshism getting wet is considered as vulgar and highly explicit.

Prytesh is against kissing in public. “This might encourage spread of contagious diseases”, he argues. Hitherto Prytesh hasn’t commented on pre-marriage pregnancy and abortion. He considers these two as too sensitive issues.

Like Prytesh a Prytist believes in rising in love. A Prytist won’t write love letters, poems, or romantic novels nor gift teddy-bears to his girl. He’ll just say it orally and only once.

Prytists stand for ‘Dhaba’ foods. Prytesh once said, “Dust makes food tasty” and he is painfully true.
A Prytist won’t dirty any place by throwing waste paper, empty food packets, water bottles etc.
A Prytist is often found carrying the waste home if no ‘Use Me’ bins are present. If chewing a paan, a Prytist wont spit the colourful extracts on your clothes, car or on your face.

A Prytist always checks for the ‘MENS’ board before entering public toilets. He is never caught unzipped.
Prytist travels by public transport, but always allows women and elderly persons to climb buses first, no doubt he’s always late to class or office.
A Prytist is more than a gentleman, he never argues with bus conductors.
While going out for shopping a Prytist carries a engineering calculator with a graph generator. This is not to check how much he spends or to calculate who gives biggest discounts, but to check how much money is left in pocket.
A Prytist never allows himself to be embarrassed because of an empty wallet, for extra safety he always carries some Rs. 10 notes and coins in his shorts.

Ch 3 : The Child Within Prytesh

Prytesh loves small ones who are atleast 9 months old. If invited he always gifts a pack of diapers on their first birthdays.
Prytesh is known for his abilities to stop children from crying. He will do anything to make them happy. He’s a Santa on Christmas. He wears the red gown, puts on his hat and boots, wears a white beard, but aa-haa he keeps his thick-black mustache on.
He visits all schools in town on Christmas eve distributing chocolates and cakes.

But this Christmas funda might end as last time he was badly beaten by primary school kids after he gave them ‘Big Babool’ chewing gum and kept the free tattoos for himself. The kids tore away his cloths, pulled his white beard and didn’t even forgive his larger than life mustache.

To check his I.Q. Prytesh turns to the children. He gauges himself by answering the awkward, ludicrous, vulgar and other not-so-childish questions asked by them.

Ch 2 : Prytesh for Womankind

Girls die for him, women live for him, old ladies pray for him. Prytesh has changed our attitude towards women, the way we talk and flirt with them; the way we think and the things we think about them. He thought us how to hold their hands, and how to dance and move around with them, how to win them and how to get rid of them.

A famous novelist of 20th century has put it as, “No matter wherever he (Prytesh) goes the birds fly in his direction”. And believe me this is true.

Prytesh rather has a strange relation with the women sub-species.
Whenever he’s not selfconcious he likes women, he likes to be with them, he likes to see then at shopping centers, in gardens and at public functions.
But when selfconcious he refuses all this. He says he buys ‘Gladrag’ and ‘Playboy’ not for the dirty pics, but for the articles. He goes to the nightclubs regularly but not for the dancers and strippers, but for the fact that he is a heavy passive smoker.

Once Prytesh had appealed to all intelligent and good-looking boys to avoid falling in love before they grow 22 and to save themselves for the good girls. This made women all over the country very happy and they became even bigger fans of him.

The greatest quality of Prytesh is that he respects women, he never hits them, he never hurts them.
And even after all this greatness, no one has seen Prytesh talking to any girl, not during college, never in the buses, not even behind the church. In general he avoids interacting with women.
No one has seen or heard Prytesh falling in love, that’s because he doesn’t believe in it. He believes in rising with love.
Some analyst say that Prytesh has a hidden affair, some say he’s ‘chupa rustam’, some others believe he has a mistress.

Even Girls have a strange corner for Prytesh.
What didn’t they do to win him. During college days tomboys started growing long hair, because he likes that. They also kept monthly ‘vrat’ for him.
Some switched form jeans to salwaar-kamiz with a dupatta because Prytesh often got cold and forgot to carry his handkerchief. A few junior girls made a wristlet for him from their nails. Prytesh tattoos were the hottest things, some girls under high excitation got the Prytesh tattoos done on their faces but Prytesh didn’t care. Some lucky ones recovered after cosmetic surgery, others had to go for baygon or rat poison.
Even when ragging was strictly banned many first-year girls bribed the seniors to rag them by making them propose to Prytesh. In girls hostel only Prytesh posters were put on walls. There was a time when girls were crazy to wear ‘Prytesh’ branded T-shirts, forehead bands, shoes, socks and whatnot.

Prytesh never took part is any stage or sports event but annual day functions, sport days and get-togethers were incomplete without him. That's because the girls came for Prytesh and the boys came for the girls.

Ch 1 : Prytesh For Science

Scientifically speaking, Prytesh is not a scientist but a new science by himself.
Prytesh’s contribution to science is enormous; after Newton, Gallelio and Einstein he is arguably the greatest single contributor to science. Yet you wont find his name on any science book or mag. And science will have to pay the price for this some day.

Prytesh’s greatest achievement was when he invented himself, somewhere around 1983.

‘Why did the chickens cross the road?’, this was the question which made physicist scratch their hairless heads for centuries.
Prytesh found the answer by simply using the Newton’s first law of motion, he said “Chickens which are at rest continue to remain at rest and chickens which move, when an unbalanced force acts on them, tend to cross the road ”.
Most scientists believe this is a collorary to Newton’s First Law, but others say that this is a proof for the validity of Newton’s Law itself.

Prytesh always wondered how Newton’s Third law works. “How can a non living object exert force when we push against it”, he wondered.
Once while watching a bull fight Prytesh discovered a practical proof for Newton’s Third law.
He saw two bulls clashing head to head and pushing each other, but none of them was able to dislodge the other because they exerted the same force in opposite directions, and there was a dead-lock. He considered the bulls as bull A and bull B.
Prytesh explains, “Replace the bull A by a stationary wall, bull B still cant push the wall, the same way as he wasn’t able to push bull A, that’s it, bull A pushing bull B is equivalent to the wall pushing bull B.”
Thanks to Prytesh, Newton was proved right once again.

The only thing that prevented Prytesh from becoming as noted and famous as Sir Newton was the absence of apple trees in his village.

Prytesh refuses to accept that Earth revolves around the Sun, he explains, “There is nothing like absolute position of an object in the space, so one can’t say that earth goes around the sun, or the vice-versa. Earth and sun follow parallel paths at constant relative velocity and earth takes about 23 hrs and 57 mins to complete one rotation about its own axis.”
He further says, “If earth was revolving around the sun, it would have continuously lost energy due to its rotation about its axis and the radius of its circular orbit would have reduced continuously. Finally earth would have slammed into the sun and all chickens would have become tandooris, but this is not the case.”

Prytesh does not believe in Aliens nor does he believe in existence of life outside the solar system.

Prytesh laughs at NASA’s plans for building interstellar space vehicles.
He says, “The distance between Earth and its neighboring stars is several light years, so even if you built a space vehicle travelling near the speed of light, which is almost impossible, you would take hundreds of years to reach there ”.
He further explains, “Average age of a human being is 64 yrs. Even if you start your interstellar journey as soon as you are born, you wont be alive to complete the journey. Also how will you supply fuel and food for so many years?”

Prytesh also proposed the theory of ‘Biological Reversal’.
He states, “In every cell of every animal, there’s an inactive part called the ‘Junk DNA’, if somehow this junk part is made to be dominant then we can biologically go back in time, i.e. induce devolution”.
Earlier this theory met severe resistance from Darwin’s followers, and especially from the Roman Catholic Church. But after the encounter of so called ‘monkey man’ the ‘Biological Reversal’ theory is getting wide acceptance.

Prytesh was nominated for the Nobel prize a couple of times but it was found that his name always appeared in the wrong categories.

Preface : There's Something About Prytesh

“Who’s Prytesh??”
According to the latest edition of ‘Oxford Grammar Dictionary’ such a statement is grammatically incorrect.
The correct one is “What’s Prytesh?”, and the word Prytesh has universal meanings.
For a biologist Prytesh is a proof for the truthfulness of Darwin’s theory of evolution. For a naturalist Prytesh is the ultimate creation of nature. For an artist Prytesh is an inspiration. For elderly people Prytesh is the father of mankind. For a young girl Prytesh is the father of her to be born children.
He’s a cheerleader for a sportsman, a holy gift for a saint, a toy for a child, and just a hope for a layman.


This piece of writing is not enough to describe Prytesh and his achievements. This is just an introduction.